Chapter 17: Discipline
With the gift of hindsight, I have come to understand that discipline isn’t about showing kids who’s in control. The purpose is to help kids gain control over themselves, so that as they mature, they can recognize their own limits and set whatever boundaries they need to set.
Don’t get me wrong, kids need to know no means no, but this can be accomplished without being punitive.
Imagine this scenario. You’ve had an awful day at work. Your boss yelled at you. Your co-worker took credit for one of your ideas. Someone stole your clearly labeled lunch from the office fridge. At the end of the work day, you go down to the garage only to discover that somebody dented the driver’s side door and didn’t leave a note. Then, you sit in bumper-to-bumper traffic for hours. When you finally arrive home, you are fuming. You throw open the door, slam it behind you, hurl your bag or briefcase across the room and roar in pure frustration.
Your spouse, partner, or roommate rushes in to scold you for your bad behavior and sends you to your room to think about what you’ve done.
Ridiculous, right?
And yet, that’s often the way we treat kids. Kids are human beings too, and like adults, they can have bad days. Punishing them for acting out only escalates the problem.
At the risk of sounding too much like a parenting coach, (too late!) I would like to offer some advice. You can take it or leave it.
When your child is having a tough time, try sitting down with them and gently ask what’s going on. Encourage them to talk about their day. Give them a chance to vent without fear of judgment. Validate their feelings, even if you don’t think what they’re going through warrants being upset. We have to remember that as adults, we have the gift of perspective because we have already experienced so much. Kids are going through the difficulties of life for the first time, and they will need time to acclimate and find their own way through. Having patience during this process is worth its weight in gold.
If children are unable or unwilling to communicate, try sitting with them quietly with empathy. Provide a safe space. Help them get grounded, (and I don’t mean GROUND them. That would defeat the entire purpose of this method)!
There are tons of free videos on YouTube offering a variety of breathing techniques, soothing meditations, and progressive muscle relaxation (or PMR) exercises which can help your child cool down. (PMR involves tensing and releasing muscles one by one and can be very effective when a child is too riled up to do deep breathing or meditation.) These exercises might even stop you from throttling your child (or your roommate or spouse) when YOU are the one having a bad day…
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