Getting the word out

I must admit I am feeling extremely overwhelmed these days. I really want to find my people – people who need to read a book about a mom with complex PTSD overcoming tons of obstacles to successfully raise a challenging child and develop the close relationship my son and I share today.

However, I am relatively new to Instagram. (I made the mistake of buying followers, and now I regret it), I have no experience with TikTok and have no idea how to attract more Facebook followers. What I want more than anything is to get Mending Together, Building Together in front of those who really need to read it, but I don’t know how to do that, and that has caused me to feel frustrated and scared I don’t have what it takes to market my book effectively.

As someone with complex PTSD who has been shamed and belittled by others for most of my life, I have taken on that role myself – constantly shaming and belittling myself – and I often feel like I have no control over it. The constant buzzing in my brain also makes me vulnerable to those who want to take advantage of me, and sometimes, it’s still hard to tell the difference between legitimate and fake help, though I have gotten better at discerning.

Finding self-love can be challenging. Some days are better than others. I wrote this poem a few weeks ago, and while I don’t feel like that today, I wanted to share it anyway. Maybe some of you will be able to relate.

Self-hate

Why do I hate myself so much?

It’s not like I kick kittens or

Take candy from babies

Or ever intentionally hurt any

Other living creature.

And yet, I hurt myself all the time.

I never hesitate to scold myself for

making an honest mistake.

I yell at myself for being weak

and having too many deficiencies.

So much to be ashamed of.

The harm I dream of doing to myself

would put me in jail if I inflicted it on

anybody else.

But you see, to me,

I don’t matter.

I don’t count.

I’m nothing.

But is that true?

It feels true most of the time,

But is it really?

Right now, today,

I can’t see past my

self-blame and self-flagellation,

but I do know I have to keep

Searching for a way to quiet

The cacophony of voices in my head

telling me I'm worthless - that I should End it all.

Those voices are loud

Far louder than the voices That soothe. Do I even have Kind voices in my head?

I don’t know, but I’m searching

For answers through my poetry.

Maybe someday, I’ll even stumble

On a solution.

But for right now,

this is what I’ve got. And I guess for now,

that's enough.  

#CPTSD, #ComplexPTSD, #mentalhealth, #TraumaRecovery, #TraumaSurvivor, #HealingJourney